Dec 25. Nutjob walks right through Amsterdam security, boards plane, burns himself trying to kill almost 300 people on board.

Dec 26. Head of the National Counter-Terrorism Center goes on ski trip.

Dec 27. DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano gleefully reports the system worked.

Dec 28. DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano ruefully clarifies that by “system,” she meant something else, and by “worked,” she meant it didn’t.

Dec 29. The President swears revenge on whomever is responsible, and that he will not rest until the true masterminds are caught and punished. He will have become Obama, the Destroyer of Terror, as soon as he returns from his Hawaiian vacation.

Dec 30. The world is informed that tons of information regarding Adbulmutallab was given well-prior and imminently before the attempted attack to a variety of intelligence organizations.

Dec 31. President vows an immediate correction of intelligence gaps.

Jan 1. President agrees to sit through a detailed briefing on what actually happened. Prior to this, he was keeping tabs on the news from Kenny Lo, the waiter who brought him mai tais on the beach.

Jan 2. President is outraged at “systemic failure” going on in American security organizations, and vows it will not happen again.

Jan 3. A passenger at Newark mistakenly strolls past security, as a critical guard wandered away from a checkpoint.

Jan 4. President returns from Hawaiian vacation. Ready to get on this national security thing people are talking about.

Jan 5. President vows to punish whomever is responsible for “failure to connect the dots.”

Jan 6. President meets with all high-level staff to determine who is to blame for the debacle.

Jan 7. President realizes that oh…it was his fault the whole time.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.