‘Puter’s been doing some thinking about President Obama’s State of the Union (SOTU, for those pretentious, in the know policy geeks like ‘Puter) address tomorrow night. Here are some of his deeper thoughts and predictions, in no particular order:
SOTU is like the Oscars for ugly people. Everyone who is anyone in Washington is either there, or wants to be there. And unattractive people are wearing unattractive clothes. An Oscars in negative. Or Bizarro Oscars, if you will.
Nancy Pelosi will blink incessantly, like a crack addled bush baby, but will be unable to furrow her brow because of botox overuse.
President Obama will not utter the phrase “the fierce urgency of now,” unless he’s trying to get nice with Justice Ginsberg in the cloakroom.
The House Sergeant at Arms has a role in SOTU much like Rolf in The Sound of Music. “Madam Speaker, the President of the United States” versus “They’re gone!” Memorable one-line wonders, both roles.
Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE) will crack under the pressure of his sinking poll numbers and yell out “You lie!” at some point during SOTU. His feeble attempt to curry favor among Nebraskans (who will be, to a person, mortified at the conduct of their Senator) will result in him being shunned on his return to his home state.
Random “real Americans” with heart-tugging stories will surround First Lady Michelle Obama in the gallery. During SOTU, President Obama will make reference to one of them, and all liberal media outlets covering the speech will seamlessly wipe to a five minute Spielberg produced campaign commercial.
Rachel Maddow and Chris Matthews will be so turned on by President Obama’s oration they will retire to the MSNBC green room, where their devil-spawn will be conceived. This will occur during the live follow-up coverage, leaving Gene the cameraman there for comment and analysis. Gene the cameraman will get better numbers than Maddow and Matthews combined.
FoxNews will hate the President’s speech, as an endless loop of interchangeable hot, blonde women will tell you. In order to prevent hot blonde woman fatigue, Karl Rove and Glenn Beck will comment as well. Rupert Murdoch could not be reached for comment, as he and Scrooge McDuck were diving into Murdoch’s vault of gold coins and swimming around.
Republican senators will shoot down their soaring election prospects by badly misreading public opinion and attempting to prevent SOTU by holding a filibuster. Democrats will in a fit of Republican hatred inadvertently aid the Republicans by actually holding together with Sen. Kirk to break the filibuster, proving they could have done so on health care, and enraging their constituency.
Vice President Biden will be replaced by a Fembot, and the real Joe Biden remains held in a undisclosed location to prevent him from committing another in a series of major gaffes. Oh, and for that whole “presidential succession” thingy, too.
No male attendee will wear a suit in a color other than black, gray or navy blue. All female attendees will wear pantsuits. This, of course, excepts the Supreme Court Justices, who will all be wearing dresses, or, as they like to call them, “robes.”
Most Americans will not watch SOTU, preferring instead to watch Phineas and Ferb, or whatever crap Versus is showing that night. Those truly desperate few will watch Lifetime movies and drink themselves to sleep.
‘Puter’s probably wrong about some of these predictions, but Czar bet ‘Puter that if he does better than 50%, Czar will pick up ‘Puter’s bar tab for a week. Man, ‘Puter can almost taste those creme de menthe and Quik’s down at the Leaping Peacock now!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.