The New York Times, of all places, takes notice of one of the library workers’ contract’s more insane provisions: comp time or release with pay for working in extreme temperature conditions. ‘Puter’s first thought was what kind of extreme temperatures could library folks be exposed to in the first instance? The books are all (presumably) stored inside in libraries. Maybe bookmobile drivers and workers?
Nope. Regular old Manhattan library workers, by collectively bargained benefits, get released from work if the temperature in the library falls below 68 degrees for two consecutive hours. Either that, or they can continue to work and get comp time. Oh, the horror of a work environment where the temperature can plunge to 67 degrees! The horror! It’s practically Triangle Shirtwaist all over again!
Kids, forget doctor/lawyer/accountant. Become a unionized, government employed “professional,” like a teacher or librarian. That’s where the big money’s at.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.