Adjective Trouble - The Gormogons

If Bloomberg News is to be believed, President Obama’s new economic plan is to freeze (not cut) discretionary spending. Leaving aside for the moment the soon-to-come anguished cries from public sector unions that a spending freeze (not cut) will kill babies and unicorns, cause the sun to instantly flame out and banish all Americans to an alternate dimension where we would listen to Fran Drescher sing children’s songs for all eternity, there’s another major problem with this world view.

Here’s the latest in a series of White House perspective fail. See, President Obama, where ‘Puter and the rest of Americans live, all spending is discretionary. It’s just a question of prioritization. For example, paying ‘Puter’s mortgage is a higher priority than buying a new deer rifle (at least to Mrs. ‘Puter), so the mortgage gets paid first. But there’s nothing preventing ‘Puter from not paying his mortgage and buying that deer rifle instead. Again, the priority one places on a line item determines whether it’s discretionary or not.

So President Obama, the question is what, specifically, do you consider to be discretionary? Give us an itemized list, so we can determine whether you’re as untethered from reality as ‘Puter thinks you are. ‘Puter’s betting “discretionary spending” is Rahm-speak for stuff Democrats hate and Republicans want.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.