The Czar is traveling to the East today, to where the mystical pagodas bask in the eldritch sunlight of antient exoticism. He will return from Mishawaka late this evening, so in his absence, please enjoy his post from February 16, 1723.

And so Louis XV reaches his majority today, as you no doubt know from the constant yammering of the popular press about it. Forget about the Mapuche in Chile, who are probably only weeks away from armed revolt: you need not concern yourself with what they represent because hey, hey, it’s nuthin’ but a partay in France. Sheesh.

Therefore, let’s get this over with. So you have a thirteen-year-old punk who’s already set up to be married to little Infanta Victoria. As you doubtless recall, she’s only five years old and no doubt had a great deal of say in the consent. Anyway, he’s understandably not too keen on doing the garter toss and round of shots with a kindergartener, although she apparently is interested in shoving cake in his face. Bet she only eats the icing. The Czar understands Louis’ reluctance: when he was thirteen, his biggest goal was drinking an entire two-liter bottle of Coke so that he could belch out the Cyrillic alphabet. That actually started out pretty well, until we went «мягкий знак эээээээээээгггггххххх» and then put out a good liter onto the sidewalk, much to the applause of 12-year-old Miles Prower.

So you can pretty well bet Cardinal Fleury is going to find a subsitute wife pretty quick. Probably some pretty and vapid consort to produce an heir so that they stabilize a line of succession. The Czar recommends someone who is not already too tied up in European politics, because the one thing France does not need at this point is another German-speaking royal for hire. Psst: Poland?Someone needs to explain the weird stain on the kitchen counter that wasn’t there yesterday evening when the Czar went to bed.Of course, the trick will be in finding a 20-something who is more than willing to shack up with an eighth grader. Before you scoff, the Czar’s Uncle Ed was more than happy to set up arrangements like this, but experience suggests you want a woman who works for considerably more than a bowl of easily chewed food. Possibly a woman with a little class, popular with the locals, and someone unafraid to put a Eurotrash noble down once in a while.

Anyway, lots of luck to little Louis XV. He’s going to need it, or else, there’s going to be a deluge of sorts afterward.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.