This New York Times opinion piece is so bizarre that the Czar had to make sure the Volgi did not write it.
Irony! Print is dying, but it is crap like this which killed it.
Let us hope they did not put this on page 3.
This Sunday, the Chicago Tribune accidentally wound up on our breakfast table. The Czar was shocked that the once mighty Trib, now fallen to one of the worst papers on the planet, had the entire third page of its first section devoted to a peculiarly unfunny (assuming its intent was comedic) list of Things Nic Cage Doesnt Own. It is not worth linking to.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.