The President is en route to his madcap Asia tour. We wish him luck on his massive agenda.

The President will have Air Force One land in Elmendorf AFB for a two-hour layover. He will be the first Democratic president since Carter to have a layover that has no dirty connotations whatsoever.

His first step in Asia itself is to meet with the increasingly anti-American ruling party of Japan, who wants to jettison the American military from the Far East; the President will stump for healthcare reform.

He then travels to Singapore, where a multi-member international conference will listen to him pitch for a public option for insurance.

China is next, with whom the US has soaring debt and a reserve currency battle; there he will lease large amounts of green technology from the Chinese, thereby saving or creating several hundred thousand Chinese jobs. He will later travel to the countryside to see how agrarian reforms in the 1960s could be brought to the US.

From China, the President goes to South Korea, who is presently gearing up for a major conflict with North Korea. The President will stump for healthcare reform and apologize for the rough treatment we dished out to North Korea in the 1950s.

Prior to his departure, the President intends to apologize to the people of Asia for forcing the Japanese to confine themselves to their own islands at the end of World War II, appear as a contestant on a Japanese game show, and complain bitterly about the lack of statues, banners, and billboards in Asia featuring his image.

Not on his travel itinerary is Afghanistan, about which the President is still brooding in a darkening inner conflict of turmoil and introspection. Afghanistan is the undiscover’d country from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all; and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action. Aides close to the President are concerned that his hesitation about Afghanistan might interfere with his stumping for healthcare, and threaten chances for his re-election in 2016.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.