Contrary to the fondest wishes of many liberal pundits, Doug Hoffman’s unforeseen success in New York’s 23rd congressional district is not a sign of an impending Republican party meltdown.

It’s this simple. The Republican voters in New York did not get to pick their candidate. New York has Byzantine election laws regarding House vacancies. Pursuant to these laws, the eleven unelected Republican party county chairmen for the district gathered at an Italian restaurant (seriously, though Italian restaurants are not statutorily required), and chose the candidate whom would be most beholden to them. These unelected solons chose Dede Scozzafava.

Unfortunately for both the county chairmen and Ms. Scozzafava, Ms. Scozzafava bears little resemblance to any sort of Republican, whether moderate, conservative or liberal. Ms. Scozzafava is well to the left of the leftiest national Republicans, such as Sen. Olympia Snowe or Sen. Susan Collins. Ms. Scozzafava is not representative of the Republicans in her district.

New York’s 23rd congressional district is full of dairy farmers, Fort Drum soldiers and people too stubborn to leave the economically depressed Adirondacks. The district is vast, covering approximately one-quarter of New York’s land area. It includes such megalopoli as Potsdam, Watertown, Plattsburgh, Massena and Oswego (not to be confused with Owego). ‘Puter knows this area and the folks that inhabit it. The Republican inhabitants are not as red as those in reddest Texas, but like their Texas brethren (and sistren), they have a low BS threshold. They believe in low taxes and personal responsibility. They have an uncanny ability to tell when someone trying to put one over on them, someone like Ms. Scozzafava and the derelict county chairmen.

‘Puter’s stated Ms. Scozzafava is not representative of the Republicans in her district. How so? Let ‘Puter count the ways. Ms. Scozzafava is a New York State Assemblyman who votes to the left of many screamingly liberal Democrats in New York’s Assembly. Strike one. Ms. Scozzafava is pro-abortion, pro-Employee Free Choice Act, fiscally irresponsible, pro-gay marriage and pro-stimulus. Strike two. She’s married to an AFL-CIO union leader (motto: helping bankrupt the state since 1932). Strike three. Oh, and she classlessly endorsed the Democrat after dropping out of the race to prevent her impending humiliating defeat. Strike four.

Ms. Scozzafava does not fit her constituency. Her constituents jettisoned her at the first opportunity for someone who better fit their beliefs. This is democracy in action, not the impending unraveling of Republicanism.

** ‘Puter’s Bonus Take: The over/under for Ms. Scozzafava switching parties is 30 minutes after she wins reelection to the Assembly on the Republican ticket.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.