President Obama announced today that we will be a surprise attack across Afghanistan next week.

“I want to be very clear to our enemies…that we are really going to surprise them,” the President said on the 11th hole at Chantilly National. “If they thought we were formidable before, wait until they see us next week.”

The President explained that the United States would be sending 25,000 additional troops, lightly armed, and with little Afghanistan experience. “Of course, we are going to need about five days to get them acclimated and up to fighting strength; I sure would hope the Taliban would avoid attacking them at the modestly defended Mukhair outpost they’ll all be stationed at, over on Highway H and Ezkhazi Road…particularly around 1000 hours when the sentries change shifts and might not be attentive.”

Asked if the President was concerned about a sneak attack, he added, “Well, have you seen that place? You could totally sneak in from the South-Southwest, where those low hills are, because we still don’t have that last guard tower up yet. Total blind spot. Forty or fifty insurgents could easily walk across and get right up to the wire, get in with small arms, and set us back twenty years over there.”

The President finished 18 holes with only seven over par, took a late lunch of watercress salad, and then flew to New York for an appearance on Late Night.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.