Regular readers here will not be surprised that The Day the Earth Stood Still is a popular Friday night popcorn throwing event here at the Castle. GorT even stars in it, and his knowledge of time travel allows us to know when it’s on Turner Classic Movies often a decade in advance. Note: not at all certain why in the year 2034 TCM adds Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? to the playlist, but life is sometimes like that.

Of course, whippersnappers, we are talking about the 1951 Robert Wise classic, not the 2008 Keanu Reeves travesty.

That said, the Czar actually caught a good chunk of the newer film late last night, and realized with horror why it tanked and why the original holds up all these years. Yep, it’s a liberal versus conservative thing.

1951’s film was a conservative message: people of earth need to pull together, end internecine fighting, and take responsibility for our own actions. No one else is going to do it for us. Failure to do so would be disastrous for us all, as consequences beyond our control would ensure our total destruction. The inept Democratic presidency (mentioned specifically in the film) is unable and unwilling to listen to Klaatu’s message, and shoots the messenger twice trying to keep him from the people. Gort is able to revive Klaatu, who finally delivers the stern advice about self-responsibility and reducing governments out of control.

2008’s film is a liberal message: the conservatives have ignored warnings about the environment, and Klaatu has come to earth to destroy us because of it. However, with his guidance and takeover of governmental systems, he can provide us our salvation. It is up to Klaatu, not us. We live or die by his whim, and the Republican presidency (evidently led by a bitchy Secretary of Defense) is unable to do anything except attempt to smuggle him away and torture him. Eventually, Gort is discovered to be made up of little black bugs who destroy most of the Earth, but it takes Klaatu to kill himself (instead of the Democrats doing it) so that we can see the error of our ways—which eventually sends us back to the much-desired Dark Ages when all power and technology is cut.

It’s almost as if the producers of 2008’s film decided to update the story from Cold War paranoia to 21st Century global warming hysteria, and then decided to make the entire film George Bush’s fault. Why, that crazy Texan nearly got us all kil’t by a robot that turns to bees.

By the way, the new Gort is quite a bit larger than our beloved GorT, but his total cubic volume is not nearly big enough to contain the cloud of bees that begins to destroy the earth. At that rate, it would take months, at least, and be massively inefficient. What was better about the original is that the manner of our destruction was left unimaginably epic in scale; we never found out what would reduce us to a burned-out cinder. But the Czar quibbles.

One last bit of evidence that 2008’s is a liberal creation: a conservative would know that the US Army does not use jet-powered Reapers with Sidewinders. And never would.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.