By the Grace of God, et cetera [lots of nice things omitted], we respectfully wish to inform your Czarness that henceforth, the School District is suspending all presentations warning the children about Stranger Danger, as the negative portrayal of Stranger Danger has proven offensive to pederasts. As school boards are committed to diversity, we wish to place no one in an offensive light.
The Czar folded the letter and asked the okhrana to bring the superintendent, Chas Hands, to the Castle.
The Czar rendered his own opinion.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.