What a rare treat New York has enjoyed today. In addition to having Ahmadî-Nezhâd smearing his own feces on every clean surface he can find, Manhattan was happy to treat Mu‘ammar al-Qaḏāfī, who now now appears rather much like Carlos Santana on a very early Monday morning.

Things he revealed today from his scribbled up yellow legal pad include:

• Europe needs to pay $7.7 trillion for colonizing Africa illegally, and if they had trouble finding the money, Africans were very willing to help Europe look for it.
• H1N1 is a military weapon, developed by a pharmaceutical firm. Evidently fish flu is next.
• He would like Barack Obama to be president forever. ♥♥♥♥BFF4EVER!!! ♥♥♥♥♥
• He believes the assassinations of President Kenndy and Martin Luther King, Jr., remain unsolved. The unsolved assassination of Lee Harvey Oswald proves it.
• Al Qaeda is bad. The Taliban, however, is very good.
• The UN should move out of New York City, because the Big Apple is really no different from Gitmo. China or India would be a better home.
• He cares little for jet lag, but wants you to check out his new website.

Oddly, he neglected to complain about those weird Netflix popup ads that keep interrupting your web browsing, the lack of opportunities for someone like Paula Abdul, and the demoted status of Pluto.

The Czar does agree with the Colonel—evidently the rank of General is reserved for very special Libyans—on one of his points: the UN (especially the Security Council) is a joke and needs to be disbanded. “Now, brothers, there is no respect for the United Nations, no regard for the General Assembly.” The Czar might suggest the UN break up and go back to its college dorm basement to hide out and listen to hippie music. At least they would retain a key guitar player. ¿Oye Como Va?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.