Will You Still Need Me …
Will you still feed me, when I’m 64?
Not coincidentially, today is the 64th birthday of atomic warfare.
In an intriguing column today in the Wall Street Journal, Warren Kozak posits that you can tell how an American feels about America by knowing how that same American regards America’s use of nuclear weapons to defeat the Japanese Empire.
Unfortunately, Mr. Kozak describes both types of folks (pro and anti), but reaches no conclusions as to the merits of each belief.
Put ‘Puter firmly in the pro-bombing camp. The Japanese Empire had waged a ruthless and bloody war in the Pacific for over a decade. Japan’s treatment of prisoners and civilians alike was inhuman. See, e.g., Bataan Death March, Rape of Nanking, Korean “comfort women” (sex slaves for Japanese soldiers), Japanese treatment of American POWs generally, etc. As noted in Mr. Kozak’s article, Japan was prepared to fight for every last square inch of its home islands, to the last person. President Truman’s decision to use all means at his disposal, including America’s new nuclear arsenal, to crush the Japanese spirit and force an unconditional surrender saved countless American, Asian and Russian lives. And, America received the added benefit of destroying a nation absolutely hostile to American interests.
Is ‘Puter thrilled about the incineration and lethal irradiation of about 100,000 Hiroshima residents? No. Would ‘Puter, with full advantage of 64 years of hindsight make the same decision President Truman made? You bet. Does ‘Puter think any current administration member would have the brass cojones to make the same decision today? Nope.
Let the outraged commentary begin.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.