You Write ‘Em. Try Reading ‘Em.
Karl Rove, subject of numerous liberal consipracy theories, is testifying on Capitol Hill today before Rep. John Conyers’ (D-MI) House Judiciary Committee. Mr. Rove’s testimony concerns President Bush’s (43) firing of several United States Attorneys. Democrats claim that President Bush’s firing of the USAs was politically motivated, and therefore a dastardly plot by RethugliKKKans to enslave all of humanity.
‘Puter hopes Mr. Rove gives the committee a little review of the United States Code (28 USC §541(c)), with a healthy dose of sarcasm. USAs serve at the pleasure of the President and can be fired for any reason or no reason at all. No explanation required. ‘Puter remembers a president who uncerimoniously fired all of the USAs when he took office. No uproar in liberal quarters about that. Where’s the investigation of President Obama firing and replacing USAs as he entered office? ‘Puter’s waiting.
The official liberal line is that it’s OK for Presidents Obama and Clinton to fire USAs when entering office, but not OK for President Bush to fire 8 or 9 USAs in the middle of his term.
Oh. Well, then. If you say so. ‘Puter’ll just ignore the rule of law and submit to Democrat rule by fiat now and beat the rush.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.