By now you’ve heard about the little dustup this week involving Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley.
If not, a brief recap. Police were called to a report of two black men breaking in the front door of a house in a Cambridge neighborhood. Sergeant Crowley responded to find two black men in the house. The house was Professor Gates’ house, and the second man was the professor’s driver. The driver was helping the professor unstick his jammed front door. The stories diverge at this point, with Sergeant Crowley claiming Professor Gates became abusive, and Professor Gates claiming that Sergeant Crowley was the abusive party. Both parties agree that Sergeant Crowley arrested Professor Gates, and that Cambridge later dropped all charges against Professor Gates. Professor Gates has called for Sergeant Crowley to apologize. Sergeant Crowley states he has done nothing wrong and refuses to apologize.
Whom to believe? ‘Puter can’t say with any certainty, for ‘Puter wasn’t there. ‘Puter will be reviewing the satellite footage later from GorT’s worldwide observation network control center deep beneath Castle Gormogon and will have an answer in the morning. But the fact that Sergeant Crowley teaches a police academy course on the evils of racial profiling makes it more likely than not that Professor Gates is full of it.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.