A great deal is being made about the role Twitter is playing in the Iranian turmoil. The Czar quickly decided to investigate how great this role is. The following dispatch arrived from our okhrana, which makes the Czar wonder if he really is paying these guys to sit around and browse the web all day.

But here is what we have learned in the five minutes of monitoring Twitter traffic:

mirguz says meet @ shiraz ct in 1 hr

tabrus will meet u there. bring banners and sign boards! god help our glorious cause!

flarr just had lima beans for lunch

tabrus asks if flarr had that cool red sauce on them

flarr no, that sauce is too rich;kills taste of lima beans

ghariz spent the last hour cleaning up a three hole punch that opened up on living rm carpet

mirguz says “hate that!”

ghariz yeah but it happenz

hjiur wonders were is everyne? no one at protest?

flarr awesum! new jonas bros song on radio!!

hjiur police on scene rumors that shots fired

tabrus what song flarr? the “baby” one?

flarr no, i cudnt make out what title is! just missed it – is new tho

mirguz luvs the jonas bros!!! sick

hjiur hiding in alcove of bldg; tear gas bad and eyes hurt

flarr jons brs are stoopid!

mirguz wonders if irgc will kill twittr access?

ghariz no @ mirguz; twitter 2 importnt 4 our great cause

hjiur bleeding wonders where is evry1?

tabrus taking nap; tivoing conan obrien

Sigh.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.