So this Japanese scientist has built an android of himself, accurate right down to the ridiculously bad haircut. CNN was so impressed with Dr. Hiroshi Ishiguro’s work that they lovingly filmed him without once bringing up Disneyland’s equally impressive feat 45 years earlier.

If you watch the linked video clip, you will no doubt believe that there are no shortage of robotics students willing to pack into this lab to the see the HiroshiTron do its stuff.

And so the Czar cannot but conclude that a really good application of the time and money invested in this project is the following: one morning, before students arrive, wheel the android into a closet. Have the actual Dr. Hiroshi sit in a similar chair at the front of the room and stare vacantly. Evidently, it’s okay to breathe and blink. Wait for the students to gather before class, and then suddenly leap to your feet screaming “Destroy! Destroy!” while throwing furniture over. That is precisely what the Czar would do. Because the Czar finds chaos funny. God, would that ever be worth it.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.