Re: Yet Another Test For Obama
Speaking to GorT’s proposal for responses to the rising incidents of piracy, ‘Puter humbly offers the following suggestions.
1. Any American flagged vessel taken by pirates will be retaken or sunk by the U.S. Navy, no matter where in the world such vessel is located. The United States will pay shipping companies for the lost cargo (not the ship) and crew members’ families generous benefits in the event of their loss.
2. If pirates are captured, there will be an immediate summary trial presided over by the ranking officer on board the nearest naval vessel. If convicted, pirates will be hanged upon the reading of the verdict. No appeals will be permitted.
3. The United States will actively seek out and hunt down family members of pirates, destroying their homes and belongings wherever possible.
4. Territories and states that harbor pirates will be deemed to be committing an act of war against the United States. The United States will respond to such country as an aggressor nation, with all that entails.
5. The U.S. military will salt the earth in communities where pirates are afforded refuge, including, but not limited to destruction of entire towns.
Piracy is a harbinger of world unrest. Where piracy thrives, chaos rules. At times, great nations have the obligation to restore order to the world, enabling commerce to thrive. And, sadly, restoring order involves deterring potential malfeasors using methods which are swift, certain and easily understood.
And, failed/failing states as perhaps the largest foreign policy concern is a good topic for another day.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.