Freddie Mac’s acting CFO David Kellerman apparently killed himself last night. May God have mercy on his soul, and comfort his family.
Mr. Kellerman’s suicide likely resulted from his direct involvement over 16 years in assembling the mortgage portfolio that ultimately laid the mortgage aggregating giant Freddie Mac low. Mr. Kellerman’s suicide is setback to those of us who would like to unravel the truth behind Freddie’s downfall, and a boon to those who would like Freddie’s secrets to remain secret. ‘Puter’s looking at you, Rep. Frank (D-MA) and Sen. Dodd (D-CT). Mr. Kellerman’s insider knowledge of Freddie during the relevant years is irreplaceable.
‘Puter predicts that in the coming days, we will see a number of conspiracy theorists crawling out from under the dank rocks where they live, alleging a Democrat/Chicago/Obama/Frank/Dodd/Clinton Vince Foster-esque murder and coverup conspiracy. In reality, Mr. Kellerman’s suicide is the final act of a desperate man with no hope left, nothing more.
‘Puter hopes to be wrong about the hurtful consipracy theorists, but knows he is always correct.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.