‘Puter’s favorite sports to watch are, in descending order: (1) ice hockey; (2) college basketball in conference games and March Madness; (3) soccer from anywhere but here; and (4) NFL football. ‘Puter won’t go out of his way to watch any other sports. ‘Puter will not watch baseball on television. ‘Puter may go to a baseball game, because (a) one can drink lots of beer and (b) the game in the background fills the awkward silences in conversation.
‘Puter’s favorite sports to participate in are: (1) hunting; and (2) fishing.
As to soccer v. baseball, soccer wins hands down for ‘Puter, although ‘Puter thinks The Czar’s comments on baseball and soccer as strategy are correct. That said, ‘Puter loathes baseball. It bores him to no end.
‘Puter and his offspring have been seduced into the cult of soccer by ‘Puter’s friend from Scotland, who played in the junior leagues there. ‘Puter and spawn watch the Barclay’s Premier League Review Show Sunday evenings on Fox Soccer Channel. It’s grown on ‘Puter. And the World Cup may be the most awesome sport tournament in the world, even including March Madness.
* The aforementioned Mr. Nicky Butt is pictured above in his fetching Newcastle kit.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.