GSN, March 20th – In the 1st round of the Gormogon Playoffs, GorT region, a number of clearly favored entries advanced with ease. “Technology will save us all” squashed Frank Gorshin with an outstanding performance by subterranean nuclear power, mosquito-killing lasers and stackable wireless blocks.
Number 6 seeded Battlestar Galactica (the new series) beat the frak out of the old series even with surprise, off the bench showings by Kent McCord and Barry Van Dyke.
The early game saw soccer getting taken down by insider favorite, Supercar (there’s no such thing of), the score remained 0-0 going into the 90th minute and everyone expected it to come down to a shootout when a miraculous move by the Toy Metrobus avoided the crowded lane and scored from the outside.The remaining games were much closer.
In a slight upset, Watching the Watchmen beat out hunter-politician-conservative Sarah Palin. It was a heated battle, both showing very aggressive offenses and solid defenses, but in the end, those watchers were too tough for the lovely Mrs. Palin.
After playing 22 separate players, Bond, James Bond, finally defeated Robots, Robots, Robots! The automatons’ downfall came about when Twiki committed a late turnover after being hit by a pair of headlight-launched rockets. C3PO lamented the loss complaining that he would now have to accompany his master to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. This reporter could not get a comment from the winning team as there was a do not disturb sign hung on the Bond locker room door.
Lolly, Lolly and Lolly played solidly and powerfully throughout the game against satiricist Stephen Colbert. Colbert’s threatdown attack and noticeboard defense was good and might have been able to overcome I’m Only a Bill when Rufus Xavier Sasperilla, his Kangaroo and the very hairy Bear, the very scary Bear took it hard to Mr. Colbert who fears bears.
The closest battle of the night came down to Hating Microsoft versus Hating Apple teams. The slick designs of the iScore and iPass offense had the Hating Apple team out front early. iInFrontof iEverything, head coach of the Hating Apple team, thought he had it won when he rolled out the “Mac Guy” and that girl-who-saved-her-family’s-Christmas. However, in a stunning turnabout, “PC”‘s strength (hot off of a cameo appearance on the BSG: New team’s bench) and the smothering Blue Screen of Death defense proved too much. Bill Gates, head coach of the Hating Microsoft team, was heard chanting in the locker room after the win, “We won, cancel or allow?“
Finally, in a most reverent game, Shakespeare took on the Pope. In the end, the Bard gave up the ghost, literally, as Hamlet’s father was ejected after two technicals, and succumbed to the Ring of Peter and the infallible defense of the Holy Father. The second round looks to be tough, stay tuned to the Gormogon Sports Network (GSN) as play continues.
GorT is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in 0.023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people.