‘Puter feels badly. He’s always bashing Upstate because of its soul-crushing taxes and intrusive (and omnipresent) government.
But there are some really great things about Upstate. The people are fantastic, as nice as Midwesterners for the most part. And, for six months of the year, the weather really can’t be beat. If you like winter sports, it’s great the other six months as well. Here’s some places and events to consider next time you’re passing through Upstate on the ridiculously overpriced New York State Thruway.
Try the Corning Museum of Glass in Corning, NY (free for kids under 19!). It’s absolutely fascinating, and the downtown has an 1930s small village vibe about it.
Or, if Christmas is your deal, try Skaneatles, NY’s Dickens Christmas. Beautiful little village, near Syracuse, NY, on a Finger Lake.
In warmer weather, try one of the Finger Lakes region’s wine trails. Here’s the Seneca Lake wine trail, and here’s the Cayuga Lake wine trail. The scenery is gorgeous, with rolling hills and long, narrow lakes. Rent a bus or limo, and go with friends, as there will be much drinking afoot.
For skiing, skating, luging and any other winter sport you can imagine, try the Lake Placid, NY area in the Adirondacks. Home of the 1980 Winter Olympics, where we beat those danged Rooskies in hockey.
And no trip Upstate is complete without a stop at Niagara Falls, NY (actually, Ontario side is better). GorT, ‘Puter and families went for a visit recently, and it’s truly a world wonder. Ride the Maid of the Mist! (‘Puter met and had a conversation with a veteran member of Patton’s Third Army who helped rescue our men at Bastogne last time he was there, but that’s another story entirely.).
So, this is ‘Puter’s feeble attempt to make up for all the Upstate and New York bashing he does. Upstate’s a great place, and you should visit it. Often.
Now, back to the regularly scheduled bashing with the much anticipated special interest caterwauling that will accompany Governor Paterson’s soon-to-be-announced bare bones state budget for next year. “The children! The poor! The elderly! Your cuts will kill them all!”
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.