At least two genius cheerleaders in scenic Bothell, Washington took pictures of themselves nude and sent them to their boyfriends. The pictures were then “accidentally” distributed throughout the school. The school to its credit promptly tossed the girls off the cheer squad. The school did not otherwise discipline the girls. Nor did the school discipline the recipients. And, like day follows night, the girls’ parents sued, alleging the girls were denied due process.
OK. So your little princesses decided to send nude photos of themselves to boys. The pictures got around. And now this is the school’s fault? ‘Puter’s no fan of America’s education system, particularly its union masters, but Holy Baby Jesus in the Manger! This is no one’s fault except for these girls. Whoring yourself out to boys to garner attention is wrong and should be punished. The school did right here and should be congratulated, not sued. The girls should thank the aforementioned S.B.J.I.T.M. that they are not ‘Puter’s kids. They’d be done for, and ‘Puter’d likely be the subject of a Division of Family Services investigation.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.