Pennsyltucky has enacted a law mandating that electric utilities cut overall electricity usage by May 31, 2011. This law is so misguided on so many levels, it’s difficult to know where to start.

First, Pennsyltucky is really telling Pennsyltuckians that the government is going to tell them how much power and for what purposes they can use it, under the guise of public utility regulation. Welcome to the state interfering in your day-to-day life, Pennsyltucky.

Second, isn’t it irrational to tell a publicly held company that they have to sell less of a product they are legally selling? Is Pennsyltucky going to reimburse the utilities’ shareholders for their inevitable losses?

Third, how does Pennsyltucky’s public utilities commission square mandatory reductions in electric usage with the utilities’ mandate to supply all needed power? It can’t be done.

If ‘Puter was running a public utility in Pennsyltucky, he’d call the Commonwealth’s bluff. ‘Puter would institute unannounced rolling blackouts to meet Pennsyltucky’s mandated cutbacks. On major holidays. Or during Steelers, Eagles and Penn State football games. Then claim the utilities were just meeting the new, stupid standards Pennsyltucky foisted on its utilities and customers.

And just where is growth supposed to figure into all of this? Do Pennsyltuckians really trust their government to “take into account a major anomaly, such as an unusually hot summer or a substantial surge in demand from a new user, such as a factory” and let the utilities exceed the targeted reductions? ‘Puter doesn’t, and ‘Puter’s worked for both the federal and state governments.

This is nothing more than a big brother power grab, plain and simple.

‘Puter’s looking forward to his new Democrat overlords telling him how warm he can keep his house in the winter. Sorry your pipes all froze, ‘Puter, but it’s for the children, you know? And ‘Puter welcomes Pennsyltucky as it joins New York as a horrible place to live and do business.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.