Yeah, This Makes It MUCH Better

‘Puter’s had it with the credit crunch/greed is good/bailout debacle. ‘Puter was going to post on aging gay pop-star drug abusers who want your sex receiving minimal punishment, but then he came across this little gem, so he had to reach for five extra fingers of vodka in his martini. Thinking and drinking is a ‘Puter family pass time, especially on dreary, chilly Upstate Sundays.

Not content to saddle U.S taxpayers for the irresponsible and selfish decision making of American investment banks and banks, the government is now going to saddle its taxpayers with the irresponsible and selfish decision making of foreign investment banks and banks.

‘Puter’s no Hank Paulson, and never will be, but c’mon, Hank. Make the foreigners pick up their fair share of the tab. Using the reasoning that problems in foreign banks and credit markets may irreparably damage U.S banking interests is fine, but remember that the equation works both ways. Problems in the U.S. markets are more likely to tank foreign markets than vice-versa. So, what say you, reputed allies? How about ponying up your fair share?

‘Puter thought not. Bastards.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.