Poti, the New Sebastopol?
‘Puter thinks so. Russia’s lease on the Ukrainian port of Sebastopol on the Black Sea is up in 2017. Ukraine and Russia are about as friendly as fire and gasoline. ‘Puter’s betting Ukraine finds a way to not renew the lease for Sebastopol without ending up occupied by Russia. Ukraine’s got nine years to figure out a way, and Washinton’s probably going to help them. Given that, the following seems of interest.
Now we see that Russia has hunkered down in Poti, Georgia’s port on the Black Sea. ‘Puter’s betting that Russia’s hedging its bets by finding itself another Black Sea port. Russia’s going to claim that it needs to occupy the port as part of its self-declared peacekeeping role in South Ossetia. Keeping supply routes open, preventing the Georgian Navy from launching a pre-emptive strike on Russia’s peacekeepers, the excuse doesn’t matter. Of course, Russia will assure the West, it will respect Georgian autonomy. Just right up until the point Russia won’t.
‘Puter’s usually wrong about this stuff. This time ‘Puter really hopes he’s wrong.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.