The Bear Growls
The question now is whether the bear is wounded by its increasing international isolation, or is it still hungry to reestablish hegemony in its self-declared sphere of influence. “Mmmm, Georgia was good. How about a piece of Poland for dessert?”
Perhaps ‘Puter gives the current Russian command structure too much credit, but it would be extremely unusual for a general to threaten nuclear strikes on a nearby country, one Russia formerly brutally occupied, without the support of his political leadership (i.e., Vladimir Putin). As The Times of London reports,
General Anatoly Nogovitsyn, the Russian armed forces’ deputy chief of staff, issued the extraordinary threat in an interview with Interfax, a Russian news agency.
“Poland, by deploying [the system] is exposing itself to a
strike – 100 per cent,” he was quoted as saying, before explaining that Russian military doctrine sanctioned the use of nuclear weapons “against the allies of countries having nuclear weapons if they in some way help them.”
So the Russian military believes that the deployment of the United States’ missile shield in Poland is a casus belli? It is striking (no pun intended) for a Bush 43 designated partner in peace to threaten another country at all, much less with absolute annihilation through nuclear holocaust.
There’s only one good thing one can say about the quickly spiraling out of control situation with Russia. Now no serious American can entertain the notion that Russia has good intentions toward the United States or her allies. The Rodina’s facade has crumbled.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.