Once again, the only three television news networks are promoting a ridiculous trend that, for some reason, they would like to see go national, and therefore spend a ridiculous amount of time talking about it like it is a genuine phenomenon, and not something they want you to do. Specifically, this whole ValleySpeak thing.

Have you heard this? Evidently, it is a rapidly developing trend in the LA area, in which teenaged girls—never guys, mind you—speak with a bizarre patois. In an effort to be helpful, the Czar has decided to provide a simple what-to-do guide if someone begins speaking to you this way at an airport.

If you hear the phrase, “Like, get a life!” it means that you are displeasing to the speaker, and you should immediately swing an axe into them before they attack you.

The expression “You’re, like, grodie to the max,” means that you are intensely unpleasant. Firearms are warranted in this case. Go the full Mogadishu on them: double-tap center of mass plus one in the forehead. It is the safest way.

Any statement along the lines of “She’s totally bitchin’” is a traditional invitation for hand-to-hand combat. Be a headhunter here, and aim for the eyes, nose, or sides of the head. You need to end this fast.

Should the speaker greet you with a warm smile and say “Like, you’re way rad, you know?” then you should treat this as a bluff. Use flash bangs to stun the crowd, and then cover your exit by walking backward and spraying live fire. Back shuffle quickly and do not cross your ankles as you exit.

“Gag me with a spoon” is never used by actual inhabitants of the San Fernando Valley. This person is an imposter, and should be shoved away. In the event the imposter encounters real Valley girls, this phrase will betray her, and she will be devoured right in public.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.