Sigh. Hollywood Press Release

HOLLYWOOD, Jan. 25, 2011 / Associated Press/ With the Redbox release of Saw VII, Hollywood is beginning to take notice of the franchise’s success. Saw VII is the seventh film in the franchise, which released the initial movie, Saw, in 2008. Approximately two Saw movies are released each year, some even in theaters.

All seven movies follow a similar, if not entirely identical storyline: a group of innocent 20-somethings are captured in a group, and placed in a sadistical series of traps that involve sacrifice or mutilation of some members to save others. “Younger audiences really relate to this as much like their own high school experience,” says film critic Eileen Dover.

Saw VIII, already in post-production, will feature the same premise, as will Saw IX, currently in filming. Sloane Gunnmann, Vice-President of Merchandising for WTF Productions, intends to emphasize this efficiency in future Saw-franchise releases. “The industry term is script re-use, in which we simply use a word processor—I believe it’s Word—to change or update character names as well as the scenarios under which they are trapped.”

This last point is essential. “Today’s generation of movie audiences is much, much more discerning with their diabolical traps than they were two or three years ago. They expect far more sinister boobytraps and torture scenes for the victims,” added Gunnmann, “Based on things they see in professional sports.”

This type of increasing sophistication does not dim franchise hopes, according to Gunnmann. “Actually, we are working on some radically advanced software to generate Saw scripts even faster. We hope by 2013, we can generate upwards of four Saw movies per year. Experts in the field of search and replace technologies are putting together some slick stuff. You can generate a script in seconds using a fifth generation Mad-Libs-protocol: pop in words like eyeball, toaster, and Jessica, and you already have a third act.”

This should prove popular to the franchise’s fifty or so devoted fans. “We’re hoping to tie in our twentieth anniversary with the release of Saw C.”

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.