Professor Mondo has a very nice write up about the solar eclipse, and of course the Czar had prepared you for it a long time ago.

The Czar took the family out to unscenic Rockwood, Illinois, under the pretense that it was as far from the crowds as possible and still experience totality. Even so, there were still about 100 people gathered around the town’s tiny post office and church to watch the event. Fortunately, 90% of the country missed it due to the cloudy weather, but Rockwood had extremely clear skies, so now the Czar can rub it in.

As we arrived, the sun was already 50% eclipsed. You wouldn’t know this without some solar filter over your eyes—the sun was brilliant in the sky, and you could readily sunburn under it. Even when the sun was about 99% eclipsed—and looked like a skinny orange fingernail clipping through filters—the ground conditions were bright and sunny. The only real thing a trained eye would notice was that shadows on the ground were fuzzy and indistinct—and you could see the shadows were tracing out crude, curved shapes of the eclipse overhead. Meanwhile, life played on below as if nothing was different.

Then, the sky turned a strange violet color, and everything on the ground had a slight patina to it. At once, you could sense it was slightly darker and getting visibly so as the seconds ticked by. Without warning, the entire area was plunged into night as if someone tripped a switch. Street lights came on, cars put on their headlights, stars instantly appear, crickets and toads fired up and cicadas and birds went silent. “Oh my God,” screamed a woman in the distance, and the sun was replaced by a jet black orb, hovering in the sky, surrounded by a curling halo of fire. Yes, you could easily stare at it, like some enormous black hole mere thousands of feet away. No photograph can do this justice—the entire sky is dominated by a massive, unblinking black pupil with an iris of yellow fire.

A lazy heron flapped her way back to her roost, annoyed that somehow the entire day slipped away on her. At every horizon, light—as if sunrise was happening in every direction at once. And, stubbornly, the moon hung in the sky like a black marble.

Then, a piercing diamond of light appeared on the moon. Everyone looked away, one hopes, and the sky immediately brightened again, rapidly turning to what seemed full brightness. And then it was over, and everyone jumped into their cars for the 9-hour traffic delay back to Chicago.

The eclipse impressed people of all ages. Here’s a smattering of reviews:

“Hella tight af!”— Dom, age 5
“Wizard!”— Sam, age 8
“Dank!”—Brycen, age 11
“Sick!”—Jayden, age 16
“Dope!”—Hunter, age 18
“Wicked!”—Phaeton, age 21
“Sweeeet!”— Olivia, age 24
“Killer!”—Sophia, age 27
“Phat!”—Madison, age 31
“Gnarly!”— Lysander, age 33
“Boss!”—Dougray, age 35
“Bitchin’!”—Jake, age 37
“Rad!”—Brad, age 41
“Tubular!”—Lisa, age 45
“Awesome!”—Dennis, age 50
“Slick!”—Bill, age 57
“Rockin’!”—Tony, age 62
“Far out!”—Moonbeam, age 68
“Groovy!”—Ned, age 72
“Keen!”—Angela, age 75
“Cool!”—Phil, age 78
“Hip!”—Thomas, age 81
“Peachy!”—Jeremiah, age 85
“Jive!”—Dino, age 88
“Jumping!”—Doreen, age 91
“Swell!”—Agnes, age 95

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.