So it breaks down like this. The GOP, we are reassured by the media, is perilously close to splitting in two. Actually, this is ridiculously far from the truth, but there is a comment we can make about that. In fact, here is something for each of you voters.

The Conservative GOP

The hard-line conservatives in the GOP—conveniently but incorrectly lumped together as the Tea Party—need to straighten up their house a little bit. The Czar has railed many times in the past that this group needs to stop four completely unproductive activities:

1. Stop promoting Tea Party candidates you know nothing about. Todd Akin is a classic example: you all backed him because he was promoted as a Tea Party candidate, but in fact he was a moderate but ill-prepared Republican promoted as a Tea Partier by Democratic fund raisers. Why? Because his inept Democratic opponent was a sure loss; but you backed the chucklehead, allowing that inept Democrat to win a key victory. Here’s a hint: the next time a Tea Party candidate shows up you don’t know all about, be skeptical first.
2. Make up your mind about Ronald Reagan. Yes, he was a godsend for conservative values but in 1980, you didn’t see him that way. In fact, you hated Reagan until you hated Carter more. A lot of good candidates are being branded as RINOs, who are in fact far more openly conservative than Reagan was. If you want a gold standard as a basis for purity tests, try Calvin Coolidge.
3. Stop threatening to primary anyone who disagrees with you on a mundane point. Holy cow, is this getting annoying. Republican Senator So-and-So or Republican Representative Him-or-Her says you should try a smaller version of your pet plan. Right away, out come the accusations of RINOhood, and a threat to primary that person. Let us make this clear: STOP. Wait until the Senate has 65 Republican Senators, then start weeding out the less strict ones, okay? Wait until 2016 before weeding out representatives, yes? Take back the whole Congress before you start handing the Democrats easy victories. It’s Politics 101, friends.
4. End the reactionism, already. Stop pushing every conceivable conservative wishlist item at all times. Focus on jobs, the economy, healthcare, and immigration. If your candidate says he might be for gay marriage, don’t accuse him of being a communist; instead, ask him how he plans to get that gay couple better employed, better healthcare, and so on. Stay on target—don’t get pulled into every freaking rabbit hole you can find.

Establishment GOP

Likewise, the establishment GOP voters need to wake up, as well. Start listening to what the the conservatives are telling you. Trust us—they have done the math, and the future looks pathetic for the country. Yes, the Tea Party alienates a lot of independents, but so do you. But the Establishment is really good at messaging—or rather, they are better than the Tea Party. Start addressing, adopting, and crafting some of the economic messages. Yes, the Tea Party poll numbers are low, but curiously their beliefs are in the majority. Rather than block of shun the Tea Partiers, explain how they can tap into this popular resentment of liberalism and start winning some national elections.

The Establishment GOP may be stodgy, old men with a soft spot for spending billions. But they are winning state elections like crazy. Legislatures and governerships are dominated by Republicans right now, and Democrats know this. But these state-level candidates aren’t winning on Medicare Plan D or on Amnesty—they are winning by cooperating with Tea Party popularity. Figure it out while you still can.

Libertarians

All right, the Czar admits it. He is getting pretty sick of these guys.

We all hear how you hate Obamacare, and you hate teacher unions, and how you hate gun control measures, and you utterly hate regulations. We understand how you despise vote fraud, and how you despise high taxes, and that you despise gas prices.

And then, in 2012, you decide to show how truly independent you are, how intellectually clever you must be, and how politically sharp you are by not voting at all. Don’t deny it: anywhere from 4 million to as many as 8 million registered “pro-conservative” voters did not vote at all.

Why not? Well, they didn’t support Mitt Romney—who of course opposed all of the things you complain about. So rather than vote for Mitt Romney because…well…because he wasn’t Ron Paul or Gary Johnson, they did the next best thing for Barack Obama by doing nothing.

This is like waiting on hold to win concert tickets, and then hanging up when the radio station puts you on the air because you want to complain about the hold times.

By the way, stop deluding yourselves: only 1.2 million voters went for Gary Johnson, so you didn’t vote for him either.

Instead, you elected to stay home and whine about the spread of liberalism on as many website comment pages as you can. You griped about how Obamacare is a disaster, about the gun grabbers and vote scammers and insults to free trade you have to endure.

Boo-freaking-hoo, because you also elected Barack Obama to a second term by not really caring enough to show up to vote. You felt America would do your job for you, and guess what? They screwed it up.

Now, mind you, a lot of Libertarians showed up to vote. Heck, over a million pissed their vote away for Gary Johnson. And millions more voted for Mitt Romney. Good for you: you should be beating the heads of the 4-8 million who didn’t like we are. In fact, the Czar himself is getting really good at identifying which hollering libertarians didn’t vote at all by the third sentence in their comments-page manifestos.

Too many of you insist you aren’t conservatives, and therefore exclude yourself from that category. In that case, you go into another category called “Morons.” You don’t even know what libertarianism is; you mistake it for anarchy. Time for the real libertarians to start culling out these know-it-alls who evidently do not understand their responsibilities to the Constitution. They truly are no better than liberals who simply want others to do things for them; God know they put plenty of liberals into power that way.

Democrats

Obamacare is your mess. See you at the polls in 2014.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.