|Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
learned all she needed to know about
economic theory selling tax-free booze
and cigarettes on The Rez.
Sen. Warren also claims to have watched
aghast as Gen. Whitside slaughtered her
people at Wounded Knee Creek in 1890.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s your Gormogons’ Fifth Anniversary. Big deal. It’s ‘Puter, Jr.’s fifteenth birthday today as well, and Mrs. ‘Puter’s way more torqued up about that, seeing as how she spent the better part of twelve hours squeezing ‘Puter, Jr.’s enormous melon through her love canal. Or birth canal. Whatever.
Yet even on this Holiest of Holy Days, there’s still idiocy to be exposed and mocked. We have each sworn an oath to The Thirteenth Imam and Hello Kitty who take oaths seriously, very seriously indeed.
Today ‘Puter returns to a topic that continues to pop up in liberal circles: student loans. The New York Times editors (who seem to have an inexplicable hard-on for Chief Big Jowls (a/k/a Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)) claim that government shouldn’t make money off student loans because … well, they’re really not clear about why making money is a bad thing.
Quoth Sen. I’m Totally Native American (D-MA), as interpreted by her demented shamans at the New York Times:
Senator Elizabeth Warren, a Democrat of Massachusetts, spoke up for poor and middle-class Americans last week when she excoriated the federal government for making money on the student loan program. She also criticized Republicans for killing bills earlier this month that would have prevented interest rates on subsidized student loans from doubling. Rates on those loans have jumped from 3.4 percent to 6.8 percent, further burdening one-third of all college students who use them to pay for an education.
‘Puter will rant slowly, building from a thinly veiled contempt to a full-blown homicidal rage, so that his pinheaded liberal readers can keep up.
Federally guaranteed student loans distorted higher education, permitting colleges to push up the price without worrying about any countervailing market forces because the government just can’t say no to kids. Further, federally guaranteed student loans made it not only possible for students who shouldn’t go to college to do so, but made it attractive for such students to do so since they totally don’t have to pay off the loans for, like, a totally long time, and who’s up for pizza? Federally guaranteed student loans should make money for the taxpayers, because the interest rates are currently mandated to be at levels far below what the loans’ risk rating would require private lenders to charge.
You still don’t get it? ‘Puter will speak in staccato, binary length bursts so your three functioning cranial neurons don’t get overtaxed.
· Colleges charge students more because students have greater access to “free” money. But, despite Sen. Cunning Runt (a/k/a Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)) and her Full of Sh!t Warriors’ (a/k/a New York Times editorial board) protestations otherwise, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or a free loan. Someone’s always paying, and if you’re the person standing around trying to figure out who’s paying the hidden costs, stop looking. It’s you. Sucker.
· An appropriate interest rate for a loan to a Wymynz’ Stydyyz major and Directional State University would be approximately eleventy gajillion percent, with interest compounding daily, since this person will never work an honest day in her life.* Well, she may work, but most likely in a fee for services transaction run out of the Klassy Kat’s dimly lit, windowless, much bespeckled VIP Room which fee she promptly converts into her next hit of bath salts.
· If the government is not charging interest (i.e., “making money”) on student loans, then the government should change the name of the program to the “Chief Big Cheeks of Massachusetts’ Give Students Free Shit But Call The Program Something Else So The Students Don’t Think They’re Freeloading Welfare Recipients And Have Their Precious Q. Snowflake Self-Esteem Ruined Student ‘Loan’ Program.”
· Whining about an average $4,000.00 in increased interest paid over the life of a student loan is self-indulgent horseshit. ‘Puter paid north of 8.5% for his student loans, never defaulted or even missed a single payment in spite of making stones, paid the debt off early, couldn’t deduct the interest paid (students today can) for many years because it was nondeductible at the time and couldn’t deduct the interest he paid in later years because he was “rich.” So, suck it, whiny, self-entitled bitches.** “But ZOMG, ‘Puter! $4,000.00 is a lot of money for most people, especially my Precious Q. Snowflake who wants to go to Harvard even though she spent more time being rear admiral-edaround the boys’ locker room than in chemistry lab during high school!” Yeah? Well most normal people know that and proceed accordingly, working hard to get a scholarship, or working hard at two jobs or working hard at community college for two years before hitting the university circuit. Peddle your sniveling, self-pitying wares elsewhere. ‘Puter’s not buying.
· You know who pays a 3.4% interest rate? Well-qualified borrowers (north of 760 (out of 800) FICO score) paying 20% down on a home purchase asking for a 15 year (not 30 year) mortgage loan where the private lender receives a first position mortgage lien on a single family, owner occupied primary residence worth more than the money lent, that’s who. Wells Fargo indicates that today a well-qualified borrower can get a 15 year mortgage at 3.75% fixed per annum.
· That’s because these borrowers are (1) pledging collateral valued in excess of money lent and (2) HAVE F*CKING JOBS!!1!
· You know who pays significantly more than 3.4%? Well qualified borrowers seeking unsecured lines of credit (a darned similar product to unsecured student loans) from federally regulated banking institutions. Hell, Wells Fargo shows as of 30 June 2013, annual percentage rates (slightly higher than actual interest rates because costs, bank fees, etc. are rolled in to the calculation) for such loans were between 7.00% and 19.75%. And these borrowers are (1) creditworthy and (2) HAVE F*CKING JOBS!!1!
o Of the 37 million student loan borrowers, 14% are currently past due on their payments.
o On a dollars-lent basis, there is a 9.77% default rate for student loans.
o On a per-borrower basis, there is a 13.4% three year cohort default rate.
o For every borrower who defaults, there are two who are delinquent but not yet in default, meaning on a three year cohort basis, including the defaults, 40.2% or all student loans are delinquent at some point.
o Only 37% of student loans made between 2004 and 2009 never missed a payment.
· Auto loans (1.00%), first mortgages (1.23%), second mortgages (0.54%) and even credit cards (3.41%) have lower default rates than student loans. That is, the folks you student loan borrowers mock, those of us who decided not to go to college and instead work bagging groceries at the Publix in your crappy, meth-ridden hometown at minimum wage, default on their car loans at a much lower rate than you highly educated graduates of Leftism University of Navel Gazing Barack Obama Worshippers do. Suck it, jerks.
· Once again, primarily for Sen. Harvard’s Own Very Specially Abled Lady Economist (D-MA), student loans are unsecured loans (meaning lenders have no collateral) given to high risk borrowers (note the 13.4% default and 40.2% delinquency rates) with no skills and no current job. There is no rational basis for charging student borrowers less than the actual risk-related interest rate they would receive in the private market. Not even all-growed up Whitey T. Mens with good jobs and steady incomes can get a 3.4% interest rate. But apparently 60s hippie wannabes whose sole reason for attending college is because they totally want to participate in Hampshire College’s Bong Olympics should pay a lower rate than the working men and women who are paying the G-d-damned taxes from which government know-it-alls have exempted institutions of higher learning.
· In reality, student loans are paying a risk premium, but it’s not the borrowers who are paying the premium. It’s the taxpayers. That is, because the federal government guarantees student loans, the taxpayer pays the difference between the true cost of the debt and actual cost of the debt when the risk of default is properly considered. To be fair, Sen. Moose Knuckle (D-MA) and her papooses (papeese? papeeses?) in the press have no historical way to assess the inherent risk of purposely hidden or perceived federal government guarantees of debt. After all, it’s not as if investors’ perceptions of Fannie and Freddie housing loan guarantees nearly caused the world’s economy to grind to a halt in 2008 or anything. And certainly the Good Senator from Mass-backwards-ass-achusetts didn’t ride the Great Recession caused thereby into office. No way. Nuh-uh.
· It’s not ‘Puter’s job, nor the job of the other 47% of Americans who actually pay taxes, to subsidize the interest rates of jerks who didn’t need to go to college in the first place and who, in all likelihood, got nothing out of their six years as a General Studies major except for an ecstasy addiction, poorly-drawn Chinese character tramp stamp they thought meant “peace” but which really means “pig” and a case of herpes, the gift that keeps on giving.
· And speaking of herpes, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) is an inflammatory, rabble-rousing asshat with little to no understanding of modern economics, market economies or shame. The New York Times editorial board is her similarly herpes-ridden catamite.
If Sen. Squanto (D-MA) wants to give free money to dumbass kids, by all means, go ahead and do so. Just do it with your own damned money and leave ‘Puter’s alone.
And that’s all ‘Puter has to say about that.
*’Puter assumes this “hypothetical” Wymynz’ Stydyyz major is female because no self-respecting American male would ever willingly emasculate himself, which is a requirement of the major. On second thought, the entire male employee population of the New York Times has apparently have already done so, so perhaps ‘Puter’s in error.
**’Puter uses the term “bitches” here in a gender-neutral sense. Both men and women can be whiny, self-entitled bitches, like the members of the New York Times editorial board.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.