|Only Trebek knows the secrets ‘Puter
holds deep within his, tiny, shriveled,
black heart. And within ‘Puter’s
no-no hole, but that’s another story.
Wow. ‘Puter gets buried under an avalanche of work for a few days and comes back to find some truly awesome posting by his fellow Castle dwellers. ‘Puter’s got a mélange of random thoughts, responsive comments and ranty goodness on tap for his readers.
Pace GorT’s Nerd, Geek, Dork post, ‘Puter would have to wholeheartedly agree with his characterization. ‘Puter does indeed love him some guns. So much, in fact, that in order to avoid Gov. Cuomo’s latest restrictions on ammunition purchases and gun ownership, ‘Puter is teaching himself to reload ammunition. And law, while not ‘Puter’s first love, is what ‘Puter enjoys most. Law combines philosophy, government, logic, rhetoric and communication into one happy, jolly ball of goodness. ‘Puter’s only critique is his plain love of musical theater and campy drag shows was given short shrift.
Czar’s post The Gormogons Cannot Always Agree captures ‘Puter’s pithy (and pissy) essence. One of ‘Puter’s greatest turn-offs (at least according to his 1972 Playgirl centerfold writeup) is mean people. And there are no people meaner than government officials self-righteously assuming they know how to live your life better than you do. And Czar knows that the only thing better than a caustic headline is a caustic headline utilizing references to homosexual sex acts. Only a Crisco reference could’ve made Czar’s work better.
The Washington Post has a front page article this morning headlined “National security team shuffle may signal more activist stance at White House.” Great. Just what this country needs. ‘Puter notes with consternation President Obama insists on appointing two unqualified, dangerous individuals to positions where their actions will likely endanger our relations with other countries, but may also lead us into another “conflict” (read: war) in a third-world hellhole. Susan Rice is more likely than not to embroil the United States in Syria because she regrets allowing the slaughter of thousands of Rwandans because she advised the Clinton Administration to sit idly by. Samantha Powers will aggressively press a human rights agenda at the United Nations that has absolutely no earthly chance of advancing, alienating America’s friends and enemies alike. ‘Puter’s closing thought on this topic is that he thought it impossible for Obama’s White House to become “more activist.” Apparently not.
‘Puter notes that not only does Obama skip the Second Amendment, he’s also not to keen on the Fourth Amendment. You can bet your bippy that if government’s strong arming Verizon, they’ve also got AT&T and sprint by the short hairs. But don’t worry, folks. It’s just metadata, after all. It’s not like they’ll know whom you call and when, or how long you talk to your friends. What? They will know? Oh. Never mind.
All the president’s men seem bent on destroying what little creditability Obama may have left as a champion of the little guy, defender of Constitutional rights. The misnamed Department of Justice is persecuting reporters in the name of plugging leaks, not to mention sifting through your mobile phone records. The Internal Revenue Service used an ideology based litmus test to determine which organizations ought to be audited. The State Department lied –that’s right, they lied– about the Benghazi consulate attack, both to the nation and to Congress. If Obama didn’t know this horseshit was occurring, he should have. If Obama did know, he’s evil.
But Obama’s lickspittle toadies in the media still gamely trot out to defend the indefensible. Obama, who the media assures us is the ne plus ultra of Constitutional Law, determined that current Constitutional jurisprudence is inadequate for his purposes and/or inapplicable to him. Thus, the Smartest President Ever has adopted a new balancing test for Constitutional questions. Behold, the wisdom of Obama!
Does Obama think the proposed government action is for your own good? Clearly, Obama will know what’s good for you, since he is akin to the Lord come down from Heaven, omniscient and omnipotent. If Obama determines it’s for your own good, then Obama is free to do whatever he wants, regardless of Constitutional prohibitions.
As a corollary, if The One determines a certain government action is for their own good, Americans are endowed by Obama with the absolute right to STFU and withhold any and all criticism of Obama personally, his Administration generally and his illegal and immoral policies. If Americans forgo their right to STFU (which Obama, PBUH, has generously deigned to grant them), then government may use its full power and authority to mercilessly persecute the offending citizens.
Changing topics at breakneck pace, ‘Puter reminds you that if you’re watching the NBA playoffs, you are dead to him. The NBA is a circus freak show, full of foul-mouthed, overpaid, under-prosecuted, intellectually challenged man-children playing a game for your amusement. If you have any testicles (metaphorically, if you’re double-Xed), you’re watching the NHL playoffs.
It’s cold and raining in Rochester today, which makes living Upstate even less bearable than usual. If New York is determined to make its politics and economics unbearable, it had better have some danged fine weather to keep people here. Unfortunately for New York, it doesn’t.
Last, it’s cute that GorT thinks Maryland’s a high tax, business stifling conglomerate of smug liberal assholes. Maryland’s a piker compared to New York. ‘Puter’s effective property tax rate is four percent (4%) of his home’s tax assessed value. It’s equivalent to having a neverending 25 year mortgage that adjusts upwards for value appreciation. Sweet! ‘Puter’s county has an eight percent (8%) sales tax rate. New York’s income tax rate is 6.45% for married filing jointly at a $41,150 threshold. Even the poor with any taxable income pay 4.00% on their first dollar. If you are fortunate enough to make more than $1 million, you are afforded the privilege of shelling out 8.82% of your income to Governor Cuomo’s Taxeriffic Liberal Democrat Utopia! Note that New York City imposes its own, separate income tax on citizens unfortunate enough to live there. So don’t tell ‘Puter about high taxes and incompetent government. ‘Puter’s got the topic covered.
Whew. That feels much better. Now ‘Puter’s got room in his noggin for other, more profitable pursuits.
‘Puter almost forgot. Czar insists that he remind you to visit the Castle Gormogon Gift Shop on your way out, conveniently located in Aisle 17B, just next to our wide selection of pickled kraken tentacles. If you reach the Miracle Whip, you’ve gone too far. Remember, it’s best not to get lost at the Castle, so if you’re doubtful of your whereabouts, Sleestak’s usually around to help, though Sleestak’s help tends not to be helpful at all. Guess you’re on your own.
See y’all soon!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.