|Let’s not forget: it’s all of us who caused
Jesus to suffer and die to free us from sin.
Not just those crazy Catholic lefties.
And ‘Puter’s a self-righteous Pharisee.
‘Puter sat at 7:30 AM Mass Sunday morning, half asleep, quietly thanking God for the lack of really bad Catholic church music at at least one Mass each week, when Father Peter rose to proclaim the Gospel for the Fifth Sunday of Lent.* The good priest read John’s account of the Pharisees testing Jesus by presenting him with a woman caught in the act of adultery, asking Him whether Mosaic Law ought to be rigidly applied.
Something caused ‘Puter to pay attention to the Gospel (probably that pesky Holy Spirit), despite it being the umpteenth time ‘Puter’d heard it read during his churchgoing life. It occurred to ‘Puter that this passage is the perfect metaphor for the Holy Mother Church’s current cold war, that between its right and its left.
Playing the part of the Church’s right, the jackass Pharisees, insisting on strict adherence to the law. Playing the part of the Church’s left, the adulterous woman. And playing the part of Jesus, our new Pope Francis.
Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. But early in the morning he arrived again in the temple area, and all the people started coming to him, and he sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women.So what do you say?”
They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders.
So he was left alone with the woman before him. Then Jesus straightened up and said to her,“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on do not sin any more.”
|Bad-assed Enforcer Jesus is how the
Catholic Right envisions the Son of Man
Jesus sees the evil in unthinking adherence to the law, yet at no point does he deny the law’s application. His genius was to turn the question around on the Pharisees with an unspoken accusation: “I know you each are sinners, perhaps graver sinners than this woman before you. How would you wish me to treat you if the situations were reversed?” This question caused ‘Puter no small amount of angst, as it should have.
|Hippie Jesus is how the Catholic Left
envisions the Son of Man.
And to the adulterous woman, caught in flagrante delicto, Jesus doesn’t excuse her conduct. But He does forgive her. ‘Puter can hear the Church’s left crowing now: “Yeah, ‘Puter, Jesus forgave the sinner. He didn’t stone her! Left Power! Left Power!” Not so fast, pro-abortion, pro-Marxist leftist product of an “institution in the Jesuit tradition.” Jesus said, “Go, and from now on do not sin any more.” Jesus granted forgiveness, but with the warning that the sinner should sin no more. Can the Church’s left truly say they intend to sin no more? The left’s continued insistence on ignoring fundamental Church teachings on abortion, gay marriage, Mass attendance and even transubstantiation leave reasonable people ample room to question whether the left’s repentance is genuine.
|Plastic and cute Lego Jesus is how
marketing gurus envision the Son of Man
Standing between the Church’s modern Pharisees on His right and the Church’s modern adulteresses on his left is Pope Francis. Like Jesus, Pope Francis must bridge this ideological gap, uniting Christ’s Church on Earth once again. Early reports indicate that Pope Francis’ judicious abandonment of certain traditions, his plain love of his people and his insistence on the Church’s longstanding tenets may do just that.
After all, a new Pope, one who makes both the left and the right equally nervous, walks in Jesus’ footsteps, which is a very good path to follow.
*For those Protestants following along at home, that’d be John 8:1-11, so go grab your Bible sans Apocrypha and your concordance, and let’s have at it!
**Yeah, ‘Puter knows the adulterous wife did suffer serious consequences, like nearly being stoned to death, and likely being divorced when she returned to her cuckolded husband. But no metaphor is perfect.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.