|This scary clown picture has nothing
to do with ‘Puter’s post. Clowns just
freak ‘Puter right the heck out, so
‘Puter thought he’d share.
‘Puter’s had a medical personnel filled day today as he transported ‘Puter, Jr. hither and yon to get his face drilled and filled. Tomorrow, ‘Puter gets to take ‘Puter, Jr. for his ADHD medication check, which is ironic, in a way. Mrs. ‘Puter is taking Spawn (the non-‘Puter, Jr. son) to get treated for an outer ear infection, athlete’s foot and a DTaP booster this afternoon. La familia ‘Puter is doing a bang-up job at child rearing.
Kids are a pain in the hindquarters. On the up side, however, ‘Puter had opportunity to peruse the media a bit today. Here are some of ‘Puter’s offhand thoughts and musings, which are plainly far superior to Czar’s addle-pated offerings in every measurable and intangible way.
1. If you are unable to handle your vehicle at the posted speed limit in sunny, dry conditions, you should not drive. Ever. ‘Puter’s looking at you, elderly contingent driving gigantic Buicks, two-footed, in the passing lane at 43 mph on the interstate.
2. Eugene Robinson is clearly President Obama’s battered wife. Either that, or Mr. Robinson is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome after being kidnapped by Code Pink’s leftist whackos. Why else would Mr. Robinson ever write this patently false and laughable on its face statement?
President Obama showed last week that it’s possible to find a reasonable, humane solution for at least 800,000 young people who were illegally brought into this country as children. All you need is a moral compass and a heart.
You missed a couple other sine qua nons, Mr. Robinson. In addition to the aforementioned “moral compass” and “heart,” President Obama’s actions also required a stunningly ballsy disregard of executive power’s limits, and even ballsier usurpation of legislative power, not to mention a complete disreagard of the United States’ Constitution. Other than that, you’re right on.
Keep on drinking the Kool-Aid, Mr. Robinson.
3. Houston resident Stephanie Dillard is a strong contender for Mother of the Year 2012. It seems upstanding citizen Ms. Dillard engaged in the following course of action, in the following order: (1) wreck car full of children by ramming it into a bus; (2) get out of wrecked car and leave children inside; (3) haul ass to the nearest CVS; (4) buy/steal ice cream; and (5) take off all your clothes.
Not even Czar’s mother was this exceptional a parent, and he was raised by rabid opossums (opposii?). ‘Puter’s betting alcohol, crystal meth and/or bath salts were involved in Ms. Dillard’s antics. Further, ‘Puter’s betting Ms. Dillard is receiving welfare benefits.
4. The collective noun meaning “a group of puppies” is from this point forward to be known as a “wiggle.” Used properly in a sentence as follows: “Every day, Czar eats a wiggle of puppies before he retires for the evening.”
That is all for now. Please write Czar and tell him how vastly superior ‘Puter’s musings are to his weak efforts. Czar really, really loves that.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.