This urgent message arrived by exhausted courier, who raced it to the Castle in a combination of on-foot, by-auto, par avion, and sure-footed camel, where its lime green color indicated most-critical status. Our revivified Egyptian mummy major-domo, Inetef-Te-Henqet, accepted it at the door, recognized its importance, and rushed it to Sleestak. The nasty lizard-faced guy literally dropped what he was doing (stacking china), sprinted to the elevator, and brought it to the Czar’s chambers where it sat for a week because we were watching a re-run of Godzilla.

Anyway, it was a serious warning from long-term minion, JAB:

Your Czarness:

We out here in the boondocks of fly-over country NEED HELP from you Gormogons up in yon Castle!

Seems as though the “war on womyn” wasn’t working out too good for the Dem’s so they up and picked another target…us. Yessir, what we here is a “war” on hicks. And speaking for hicks everywhere, we’re none too pleased. Sharpening up the pitchforks, as I write.

Wait a minute. Even the dullest pitchfork is sharp. Somebody could get in a mess of trouble with the gubmint if a frail, delicate youth under the age of 18 were to go and cut themselves on a pitchfork. Your US Dept. of Labor would forthwith sic a passel of lawyers on us (as per attached rule http://www.dol.gov/opa/media/press/whd/WHD20111250.htm).

Read it. They want to prohibit those under 18 from working on farms. Seriously. Might chip a nail, mighten they? Now they say that any chilluns working on farms owned by their parents are exempt. But now don’t you dare go and work for your uncle. Or granddaddy. Or your second-cousin once removed.

My dear 14-year-old niece won the market hog prize at the county fair last year. In the future, if these rules go through, she’d be violating a whole passel of rules and provisos:

The department also is proposing to create a new nonagricultural hazardous occupations order that would prevent children under 18 from being employed in the storing, marketing and transporting of farm product raw materials. Prohibited places of employment would include country grain elevators, grain bins, silos, feed lots, stockyards, livestock exchanges and livestock auctions.

I had no idea she was such the hell-raising anarchist she really is.

Additionally, the proposal would prohibit farmworkers under 16 from operating almost all power-driven equipment.

Where were these guys when I was growing up? Yeesssh. I was driving a tractor before I was out of middle school. My daddy, being a HUGE proponent of womyn’s equality, would hear non of my protestations. Where was Hilda Solis when I needed her???

The proposal would strengthen current child labor regulations prohibiting agricultural work with animals….

So, logically, the next step we can expect whould be banning the reading of Charlotte’s Web. Might give the younguns all kinds of nefarious ideas.

I do wonder if it will still be OK for urban-yuppie types to keep hens for organically/locally/sustainably produced eggs. Will their children be prohibited from feeding the Aracaunas and Buff Orpingtons? Well, I do have trouble keeping all the different standards straight. Like you know when Barack Obama writes in his book about his youthful experimentation? [No, not with “blow.”] When he wrote about trying snake and dog back in Indonesia, he was describing the upbringing of a worldly sophisticate. When we hunt game and eat it, well, we’re just blood-thirsty rubes.

Different folks, different standards?

Or maybe there’s a war on hicks. Care to join us?

Yours from the Doublewide, JAB

The Czar wishes that JAB was expressing anything like paranoia or libertarian goofiness here, but the fact is she is interpreting the ruling correctly.

This is one of a few blatant over-reaches happening at what must surely be a disastrous time for the Obama re-election march. In addition to this nonsensical piece of legislation, we saw the Liberal Progressives introduce a House bill to severely curtail 90% of the First Amendment. That stands no chance of passage, but the gall to do so is nauseating.

And now we hear government control of your automobile is pending. Okay, fairly, the Democrats are tired of being compared to 1930s Germany, which we understand. So let us simply highlight that government control of labor, restriction of political speech, and restrictions on internal travel are quite familiar to anyone familiar with 1950s Russia. There. Better?

The most outrageous thing about this spate of scary legislation is the incredible disparity between those screaming on the Right and the apparent silence from our major political candidates. Folks, stop making Glenn Beck right all the time!

Update: JAB wins. The Obama administration is rumored to have killed the bill due to the severe backlash of people like our own dear JAB. But keep your eye on this: no stupid progressive idea ever truly dies; it often is re-branded and re-submitted.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.