Someone at the Washington Post left the airplane glue out and a computer logged on this weekend, resulting in E.J. Dionne’s latest opinion piece.

Mr. Dionne believes that laws tightening up on voting procedures are TEH RASIST!!1! Mr. Dionne believes this in his heart of hearts because:

1. Some proposed laws limit early voting.

So what? ‘Puter’s unaware of any constitutional provision enshrining a right to vote whenever you damn well please. Heck, ‘Puter would like to vote from his sofa clad in nothing save his man thong four years before the election, but that’s not going to happen. Although ‘Puter does sometime mosey on down to his polling place in a spandex unitard and Crocs.

2. Mr. Dionne believes each law disproportionately impacts African Americans, Latinos and “the young.” Mr. Dionne further asserts that these classes voted disproportionately for President Obama in the 2008 election.

This is nothing more than a “minorities are too stupid to figure out voting laws, so we enlightened Democrats have to save them by getting rid of any restrictions on voting at all” argument. It’s demeaning, and starts from the premise that minorities are simple and childlike.

3. Republicans passed the laws Mr. Dionne dislikes.

Republicans can’t do anything right. They’re always up to something racist. Just look at that Abraham Lincoln and his Emancipation Proclamation (Happy Juneteenth, Mr. Dionne!). Or those pesky Republicans who provided the necessary votes for the Civil Rights Act while many Democrats refused to vote for equal rights.

4. Mr. Dionne asserts the Republicans are changing the laws in a manner to benefit themselves. In effect, politicians are choosing their electorate.

Oh. There’s no Democratic gerrymandering? (Please note that ‘Puter fully admits Republicans are equally guilty here). Let’s have a look at NY-28, ‘Puter’s district. Note how it runs from lily-white Fairport in Monroe County, New York (Rep. Louise Slaughter’s home), right into the City of Rochester (poor and Black), up along Lake Ontario (rural, conservative and sparsely populated), to Niagara Falls (poor in money, rich in minorities) down into the broke City of Buffalo (again, poor and Black). This district has a median income about two thirds the national average and a poverty rate almost twice as high, and nearly 2.5 times the national average for Blacks. Let’s not have any more of this “Democrats would never abide this insult” crap, Mr. Dionne. This district was created to give an 81 year old, white, Southern beneficiary of segragated education* a heavily minority populated safe seat.

As a side note, ‘Puter wonders why the local Rochester press is completely incurious about a white Southerner who benefitted from segregation representing a majority minority city. Maybe it’s because Rep. Slaughter has the correct political affiliation.

5. Texas law allow concealed carry permits as ID, but not student IDs.

Uh, Mr. Dionne? Might that be because in order to secure a concealed carry permit, you have to establish residency in a state (in Texas, you can get a distinct nonresident license), but to get a student ID, you simply have to be current on your tuition? That is, there is a rational basis for accepting the concealed carry permit, but not the student ID. Try using The Google. It works.

Mr. Dionne eventually admits that voter identification laws are constitutional, as held by the Supreme Court. It’s just that he knows Republicans are racist bastards, ever-plotting to keep down minorities and women. Aside from gut feelings and nebulous

No matter how much Mr. Dionne may wish otherwise, voter identification laws protect his vote and ‘Puter’s. These laws make certain that only people eligible to vote vote. Preserving the status quo in this instance is the more harmful course. Unless, of course, your real purpose is to permit voting fraud because you think it helps your side. But Mr. Dionne would never be so cynical as to advocate such a position.

*Rep. Slaughter graduated from the University of Kentucky undergraduate in 1951, and from a masters program there in 1953. The University of Kentucky’s own biography of its president Herman L. Donovan states he presided over the university’s desegregation, in which the first class of Black students was admitted in the fall of 1954, after Rep. Slaughter had completed her undergraduate degree. To be fair to Rep. Slaughter, it appears that one Black student, Lyman T. Johnson, was admitted to the university’s graduate program in 1950, on court order. It is unclear to ‘Puter whether other Black students were admitted to the university’s graduate programs between 1950 and 1954, and also whether Mr. Johnson was in Rep. Slaughter’s graduate course of study.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.