Here’s a hint. It’s because mid-sized newspapers like The Democrat and Chronicle (to ‘Puter’s eternal bemusement nicknamed The D&C) actually publish crap like this.
‘Puter’s lovely female co-worker sent him the link to the article, along with this email with a subject line of “Me girl. Me grill too.”:
I swear this has to be a satire piece:
Ock Hee Hale was used to eating meals cooked on the grill. She adored the taste of meals cooked on the grill — and then she got divorced.
No more meats and vegetables perfectly smoked, seared and charred over charcoal.
“I thought grilling was a man’s job, that maybe it was something that women could not handle,” recalls Hale, owner of Ock Hee’s Gallery & Bloomfield Gardens in Honeoye Falls. “I missed it.”
‘Puter had to read it twice to be certain it wasn’t actually a cleverly placed article from The Onion. ‘Puter dutifully replied thus:
Thank God that article was written by a woman. It would be even more sexist coming from a man.
And just what the heck does the fact that she got divorced have to do with anything? Her marriage had blinded her to the fact that there was such as thing as a “grill” that her (ex)husband used to “cook” her “food?”
The only way this article could be better is as follows:
“and then she got divorced, and by the simple act of casting off the phallocentric shackles of a demeaning enslavement ritual called “marriage” was Ms. Hee instantly empowered to do all things manly, including using the simplest form of cooking surface known to man — fire. And no longer having a need for men, she lived the rest of her life in the happy comfort of the sisterhood of empowered grilling women everywhere. The end.”
Now where’s my freelance check, D&C?
This article should be a “how not to” lesson posted in every newsroom in America.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.