Not that readers care a whit about bloggers’ actual, real world lives, but here’s what ‘Puter’s been up to: (1) restructuring business lines of credit on a deadline; (2) ignoring constant mid-grade sciatica pain; (3) physical therapy; (4) end of school spawn related crud; (5) redoing most of the first floor of his house, including kitchen and family room, with a new mud room; and (6) complaining to Mrs. ‘Puter about dragging him and his bad back to Saratoga Springs, Upstate New York this weekend for a friend’s 40th birthday party.
Of course, because Mrs. ‘Puter waited until the last minute to decide to go, every hotel room in Saratoga Springs is gone this weekend. Apparently, there’s this little band called Phish playing there. And, too, the Saratoga Brewfest is on. So ‘Puter and entourage are staying in a dead Central New York town 30 miles away. Did I mention that this is somehow supposed to be a celebration of Father’s Day? Great planning, Sweet Knees.
The only upside ‘Puter can see is Saratoga Springs will be a target rich environment. The hippies will be either drunk or stoned, the perfect condition(s) for gut bootings. Maybe if ‘Puter gets adventurous, he’ll post some photos of the experience.
So, in closing, if you see an angry, pained, baldish (but good looking) white guy hobbling around Saratoga Springs this weekend, introduce yourself. It just might be ‘Puter.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.