Ah, the rallying call of the teachers’ unions everywhere. ‘Puter’s recently had a bunch of thoughts he’s meant to post on, but none seemed big enough for a post of its own. So, ‘Puter offers up some of his random thoughts herein.

1. Thought the First

Gormogon operative M.C., stationed at our undersea Mariana Trench outpost, sends by ELF transmission the following question:

I imagine that in all your musing on public-sector unions that the thought has occurred to you “why the f*** does any level of government still provide defined-benefit pensions”? Nearly all non-union workers outside of government are on defined-contribution systems. Why the hell don’t governments follow suit? Surely this would be a successful (and really bitchin’) campaign platform to eliminate them. Have any cities or states done this? Other than union whining, why not?

Believe it or not, in between bouts of binge drinking and model airplane building, ‘Puter has given this topic some thought.

The simple answer to M.C.’s question is that government still provides defined benefit retirement plans because legislators are bought and paid for by public sector unions. In return for protecting the union’s money (pensions), unions provide the legislators sufficient campaign funds to be reelected indefinitely. Interestingly, these campaign contributions are really taxpayer monies, as the unions used forced union dues deducted from teachers’ taxpayer paid salaries to pay them. Further, legislators maintain and protect the monopoly of public education (Vouchers? Charter Schools? Dead on arrival.), as well as the closed shop rules within that monopoly. It’s a great system, if you’re in it. The only problem is that the cancerous union/politician symbiosis is killing its host, the state itself.

In other words, neither teachers unions nor legislators give a fig about you. They’ll continue to sell you out until either the system’s bankrupt or changed over their dead bodies.

2. Somewhat Related, Though Slightly Different Thought the Second

Unionized teacher salaries are the single biggest expense to school districts today, greater than books, facilities and transportation. Even bigger than current year salaries are out-year liabilities for retirement benefits and retiree health care obligations. In many states, pension benefits are constitutionally protected, and once conferred, cannot be reduced but only enlarged. Hence, New York and California’s looming bankruptcies.

For fun, use your state’s Freedom of Information Law (every state has a version of it) and ask your local school district for its GASB 45 figures. This accounting rule requires government entities to account for their non-pension post employment benefits (think health care for retirees). You will be absolutely floored at the cost most government entities have over and above their booked pension liabilities. If school districts were businesses, they’d not just be running in the red, they’d be insolvent.

4. Thought the Fourth (‘Puter hates the number three, so he skipped it. Three’s just so uppity, sitting there, with all that “I’m a magic number” crap.).

‘Puter would have much more respect for teachers’ unions if they’d man up and recite their actual manifesto:

1. We’re lining our pockets at taxpayer expense
2. If anything good happens to your kids as a result of our actions, it’s purely coincidental
3. We’ve bought off the legislature and rigged the system, so you can’t do anything to us
4. We’re content to bankrupt the state in order to keep our exorbitant salaries and benefits

5. Conclusion

The world would be better off if everyone listened to ‘Puter, for he is always right.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.