The Washington Post’s website headline right now is a quote from President Obama’s State of the Union address last evening. That quote? “We were sent here to serve our citizens.”
Now, mayhaps ‘Puter’s being hypersensitive on the issue, but he’s fairly certain he is now, and always has been, a citizen of the United States of America, not the Democratic People’s Republic of the One. ‘Puter has taken many government service oaths in his day, but never recalls pledging to protect and defend the President and Congress of the United States. It’s usually some crazy, right-wing notion about protecting and defending the Constitution of the United States. Apparently, that’s all changed now, and we must pledge fealty to our elected betters.
The quote taken in isolation is not a big deal, likely a mistatement. But when examined in the context of President Obama’s first year in office, it is an attitudinal marker. A dog whistle for those who can hear. It shows the stunning arrogance of the Obama Administration. The quote betrays the Adminstration’s unspoken mindset: the people of the United States are wards of the government, required to serve it, rather than the other way round.
And that, ‘Puter’s friends, is the core problem with this Administration.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.