‘Puter’s going to wade, with some trepidation, back into the gay marriage arena, prompted by an email from Gormogon Operative J.M., currently located somewhere in the Mid South region. And no, the email was not a gay marriage proposal, despite the calumny being spread by Sleestak, who will be disciplined severely.

‘Puter is sympathetic to J.M.’s libertarian streak, in which his correspondent states:

The libertarian in me doesn’t care what a gay couple does so long as it doesn’t interfere in my life. My employer provides benefits to same sex partners because those employees are good employees and we want to keep them. Gay couples can (with some mild additional work) insure that they enjoy all the benefits of marriage (joint bank accounts, medical decision maker, power of attorney, etc) without that label.

Exactly so. ‘Puter’s been thinking about starting a “Leave Me the Heck Alone” party in New York, but ‘Puter digresses. But J.M. doesn’t stop with the libertarian angle. He goes on to put identify the rub in all of this: it’s not a two way street. The pro gay marriage crowd refuses to show the same respect for traditional marriage that it demands for gay marriage. J.M. writes:

The biggest fear I have regarding gay marriage is not gay people who want to get married, but rather some ambitious ACLU lawyer who takes up a suit on behalf of a gay couple who can’t get married ‘in the Catholic Church’ resulting in Federal action against the Church, revoking of tax exempt status, etc. It’s paranoid, I know, but not a reach.

‘Puter thinks this self-labeled fear neither paranoid nor a reach. Gay marriage, if legally recognized, opens the door to destruction of traditional marriage by permitting redefinition of the entire institution. “Marriage” will quickly become a user defined institution of two or more consenting adults. Neither number nor gender will be relevant. This will gut the societal purpose of marriage: creating a state supported institution geared to efficiently creating and raising functional children (future citizens) at minimal cost to the state.

Traditional marriage cannot coexist with gay marriage. Society must choose, and it must choose wisely, for the consequences of redefining marriage will be negative and severe. ‘Puter’s admonition is to support your gay friends and neighbors in securing marriage-like benefits (see J.M.’s listing above), but to oppose redefining a bedrock institution to accommodate them.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.