If Gov. David Paterson (D-NY) keeps this up, ‘Puter might just have to start believing the governor could win election to a full governor’s term in his own right. His state of the state speech yesterday may be the first time since New York became a state that a governor actually spoke the truth in such an address.
‘Puter’s synopsis of the governor’s address to the Assembly and Senate: “You all are a bunch of corrupt money whores, bent on retaining power at the expense of all else. In doing so, you have financially and morally bankrupted the state. Bastards.”
Here’s some actual quotes from Gov. Paterson’s address, lifted from the NYT article linked above.
“You have left me and other governors no choice,” Mr. Paterson, the former State Senate minority leader, said. “Whether it be by vetoes or delayed spending, I will not write bad checks, and we will not mortgage our children’s future.”
“No longer are we going to run New York like a payday loan operation,” the governor vowed.
Referring to industry and labor lobbyists in the chamber, he declared, “The moneyed interests — many are here today as guests — have got to understand that their days of influence in this town are numbered.”
Paterson went on to advocate term limits, campaign contribution limits and major ethics reform, such as disclosing outside employment and monies earned.
‘Puter’s got no hope he will ever have a socially conservative governor, but he’s beginning to have a scintilla of hope that Gov. Paterson may be a fiscally conservative (or at least realistic) governor.
Go get ’em, Dave.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.