Emanations From The Penumbras
‘Puter’s against gay marriage. Many of ‘Puter’s friends are for gay marriage. Without getting into the merits of the underlying debate, ‘Puter would like to think people of good faith on both sides of the issue could agree on one thing: Oh Sweet Baby Jesus In The Manger, please don’t let gay marriage be decided like abortion.
That is, by forcing the determination of the legality of abortion into the courts (actually, into the hands of nine unelected men), proponents have led us through nearly 40 years of vitriol and vituperation. On both sides. The abortion issue should have been decided by either state or federal legislatures. The legislators are directly accountable to their constituents, and thus more sympathetic to their concerns. Legislators make laws, courts perform judicial review. Roe v. Wade stood this model on its head. ‘Puter believes that if America had legislated, rather than litigated, abortion, abortion would still be legal, though more restricted, in most if not all states.
Similarly, ‘Puter recommends that courts stay the hell out of the gay marriage debate, rather than finding an emanation from the penumbras to cover gay nuptials. Hopefully, this will lead to a thorough debate and reasoned legislative compromise most people would grudgingly live with, rather than a hated imposed diktat from our legal solons on high.
Just a mid-Monday afternoon thought.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.