…the Gormogons gave to me:
Six Man’drin Bootings
four bags of mail
three Guest Spots
two Boxing Days
and a Hello Kitty in an orange tree
Here’s a quick recap of the six most recent bootings by the Mandarin. We keep these on record just in case someone complains that they didn’t get booted (and then they get doubly booted – sometimes ‘Puter kneels behind them and the Mandarin boots them over ‘Puter into Sleekstak’s caldron brewing something).
6. George Lucas – the Mandarin ran into him in passing at LAX and booted him screaming, “yeah, right, you had all nine episodes of Star Wars all thought out? Midichlorians! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Georgie-boy!” BAM! Booted.
5. Veep Biden – he gets booted on a regular basis. The thought here is that he can’t give away the secret location of the Castle nor of the upcoming Gormogonicon 2010. Out of breath = can’t give away secrets. Therefore, the booting continues.
4. Kanye West – ok, look, the Mandarin is a closet fan of Taylor Swift. Seriously. He’s got the poster up in his room at the Castle. He tries to hide it, but sometimes when traveling back from some other time, I miss the geostationary spatio-temporal landing pad and end up in his room. Must be something else he’s working on causing the interference.
3. Dat Ho and Sleestak – regular bootings. Just a matter of course.
2. Charlie Sheen – with all of his cheating, drugs, and other vices, this is almost like having morning coffee for the Mandarin. Wake up. Turn off alarm clock. Boot Charlie Sheen for thinking about marrying Denise Richards. Take shower. Shave. Boot Sheen again for The Chase….
1. Any democrat member of Congress, and sometimes some of the republicans – after Cash for Clunkers, the Technicolor Stimulus Bill, and Healthcare, the Mandarin is so livid that booting becomes as instinctive as breathing.
So, you better be good for goodness’ sake or he’ll boot you in the gut.
GorT is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in 0.023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people.