A young girl with Down Syndrome has her feelings hurt at school because kids use “retarded” as a synonym for “stupid.” What’s the solution? You guessed it: pass a law. Don’t talk to the offending kids. Don’t try to, you know, educate someone in a school situation. Pass a shortsighted, useless law affecting millions of otherwise compliant people.

The Maryland law bans government use of the descriptor “mentally retarded” and requires “individual with an intellectual disability” be used instead.

If anyone used the term “individual with an intellectual disability” in ‘Puter’s presence, he’d call them retarded. Just for kicks. Sanctimonious jerkmonkeys.

Not to be outdone, short, semi-closeted lesbian Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD)(not actually mentally retarded, just behaving as such in the Senate) introduced legislation to ban “mentally retarded” from the federal lexicon as well.* As a bonus, Sen. Mikulski advises that the legislation if enacted will not cost the federal government a dime. Well, except for redoing every form, regulation or code that uses the phrase “mentally retarded.” That’ll be cheap.

Look, calling a person retarded to hurt them is evil, whether the person is actually retarded or not. Using the terms “mentally retarded” as a medical or clincal descriptor is not hurtful, but descriptive. Misuse of a phrase does not mean it should be forever banished from the lexicon, or that we should invent some sort of Newspeak replacement term.

If altering language to assuage a victim class’ feelings is the new norm, ‘Puter’s recommends substituting “legally sanctioned monogamous buggery” for “gay marriage.”

*N.B. in the linked article that Sen. Mikulski has time for this crap, but not time to stand up for her lesbian and gay brethren. According to the article, she’s refused to back gay friendly legislation because she fears voter reaction if she comes out. She’d rather stay closeted and remain a Senator than be who she really is. The problem with Sen. Mikulski is the problem with all Senators. They will do anything – including denying who they truly are – in order to retain power. Pathetic.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.