This summer, Iran detained three American hikers who allegedly strayed into Iran, accusing them of espionage. The hikers’ families just released a video they claim definitively shows the hikers could not have been spies.
In the video shot a day or two before the abduction, the three hikers are shown goofing around, singing and dancing in a mock music video style. The families claim the joking portrayed in the video shows their family members are not spies.
Now as Gormogon aficionados know, ‘Puter has no truck for fundamentalist Islamic regimes. And ‘Puter thinks it’s about 95% certain that the hikers were dumb, lefty kids (all three are UC Berkeley grads) who thought it would be cool and fulfilling to hike in one of the most dangerous parts of the world, and erroneously crossed a poorly defined frontier. But isn’t it logical for Iran to say good spies are those who don’t appear to be spies, thereby discounting the videos?
The hikers’ families better come up with a more convincing argument for their innocence.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.