Today we learn that Megan Williams, who claimed under oath that she was kidnapped, brutally raped and tortured, made the entire story up. The story then tiptoes around the fact that the woman may be recanting because she is mentally retarded/disabled/differently abled/special/intellectually challenged/[insert PC term of the day here]. But all this is window dressing for ‘Puter’s larger point.
Founder of Three-Sizes-Too-Small-Track-Suit-Wearers-With-Bad-Hairdos-For-Jesus Rev. Al Sharpton weasels his way into the story. Did ‘Puter mention that the accuser is black/African American/melanin enriched? Rev. Sharpton, a former supporter of Ms. Williams, upon learning of the accuser’s recanting, helpfully wrote the prosecutors stating “If Ms. Williams has, in fact, fabricated her story, then I urge your office to vindicate any wrongfully convicted individuals.”
Have you no shame, Captain Hairdo? ‘Puter remembers Rev. Sharpton from the Tawana Brawley incident. Read the sorry, sordid story here and here. Rev. Sharpton aided and abetted Tawana Brawley in knowingly destroying an innocent man based on a web of poorly constructed, racially motivated lies. This “man of God” has refused to apologize to the victim of his defamation to this very day.
In Rev. Sharpton’s defense, he’s a long-standing friend of the Jews. Just ask the folks at Freddy’s Fashion Mart.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.