To assist the media with getting a jump on their competition, the Czar has assembled a Barack Obama question answerer. Simply fill in the blanks, and you already have your story. Actual words may be different from what the President says later, but this will be pretty close.

Q: Mr. President, what do you feel about _______?

A:First, let me be perfectly clear. When I was elected by the American people in 2008, it was because Americans were frustrated and tired. We came back with our message of hope and change, and Americans answered the call. They asked if the son of a Kenyan and an American woman, without the taint of Washington politics or the stench of lobbyism, could ever make a difference. And we answered, yes. We can.

As I have said, time and again, there are two choices when dealing with __________. First, we could do nothing. That hasn’t worked so well. Or, we could do what I have been advocating since my days as a Senator, and make America work again, regardless of race or gender. Although I inherited many problems from my predecessor, I can reach across the aisle, in a bipartisan way, to make legislation work, and that just makes sense. Next question?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.