The Czar has promised to be less obnoxious about celebrity obituaries going forward. This is a first attempt.

Gidget, the 15-year-old star of Taco Bell commercials, has died. No, really, you insenstive asses. The poor thing died while playing with a squeaky toy. No, it isn’t at all funny. Actually, she may have been napping when death occurred. Sometimes it can be hard to tell.

Anyway, the frantic 911 call was placed around 12:30pm, local time. Paramedics arrived at the scene and continued basic resuscitation until Gidget arrived at Bingo-Sinai Hospital in Santa Clarita, CA. Hospital spokesperson Noah Pinyin said that family and friends were notified, but that time of death occurred at or before 12:50pm PDT.

Shocked fans poured into streets all over America, and a very small part of Canada, to celebrate the life of Gidget, speak Spanglish to each other, and eat food assumed to be Mexican but actually produced in a food laboratory in Minot, North Dakota. NBC will be running a one hour retrospective on Gidget this evening. CBS is planning to delay programming by 30 minutes for a biography. ABC will cancel this evening’s Grey’s Anatomy because no one watches it.

Gidget, who is the mother of Prince Gidget and Blanket, is estranged to the pups’s biological father, Mr. Leighton Tomo of Huntington Beach; Tomo had been locked in a custody battle with Gidget since 1998, and is not presumed to receive automatic custody of the boys in light of Ms. Gidget’s passing. The whereabouts of the two pups have not been confirmed, but they are believed to be with family until final placement can be determined by a court.

An autopsy is scheduled for next Tuesday; medical examiners are especially keen to verify whether traces of a powerful surgical anaesthetic will be found in Gidget’s blood, or whether the dog just napped a lot. The dog is not Canadian.

A massive, $17 million memorial service is planned in early August at the Staples Center. Ticket vouchers will be sold on line. Presently, Belinda Montgomery, Geneviève Bujold, and Conrad Bain have agreed to sing at the memorial service, which will be televised on all channels.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.